Another day of the 21 day detox has met me with another challenge. It seems as if I have to include trying to change others is another toxic thought that I need to replace. As if not being enough isn’t enough of a hurdle. But it definitely leads to trying to convince everyone that I am enough, which leads to performance, legalism, the need for affirmation and at the core of it lays trying to change other people to like me, appreciate me and think that I am enough. My action item in this process right now it reaching to the sky, getting truth from God, touching my forehead with it and pressing it into my brain. Truth, I am enough to God. His opinion matters most. I am accepted as I presently am. Then I press hard on my forehead and thank God for that truth.
It’s funny how you can step outside of yourself and look at your thinking and behavior. It is astonishing that you can disagree with yourself. I can say to myself that my thinking is wrong. Change it! But it isn’t that easy when it has been not just engrained, but growing actual structures in your brain for decades. I have had some vivid memories that have confirmed that the assignment of the enemy of my soul has wanted me to feel like I am not enough.
It is exciting to counsel myself with the hope that God has for change. I am nobody’s victim. I don’t have to stay this way. This ability to step outside myself is a God given ability of my brain. Dr. Leaf explains it in the detox program. I believe it. I have always been good at that. What I haven’t been good at is change. This sabbatical is my chance. My opportunity. To be pulled out of the normal life that I have, and devote 48 days to replacing that thinking. I wonder what else I will find?
We are on a plane to Florida where we will spend one night and then off to Jamaica in the morning. I feel like I have been on vacation for a while, but it is only just beginning. Guilt of having this much time off is real and comes and goes. Most of the pastors at convention were really happy for me and I had conversations with some who took off 3 months! Wow!