I am always a little irritated at convention. It is the last day of convention today and I could tell my attitude wasn’t something that I have been proud of. It hasn’t been bad, just a little snippy. Last night I had two horrible dreams followed by demonic attacks on my mind. I worked out and was praying in the shower telling God I didn’t want to be in a bad mood. I was asking for freedom, then commanding it, then receiving a good mood from God. It was then I realized my problem. It has been my longest lasting and deepest problem that was resurfacing — again! Rejection.
It seems that convention brings in an unintentional comparison and the feelings of not being enough that have been articulated at times by pastors and leaders. Most of them did not intend to communicate that. But it came through as "I am not enough". I am not recognized. I am marginal. It’s was so easily accepted by me because of my past. It is a struggle to beat. In fact it is war - in my head!
It’s funny that I start my sabbatical right after convention. One of the most powerful triggers of rejection. I have been delivered from several demons in my life. Rejection and self rejection has been the most powerful. Still there remains a mindset. There is no doubt the struggle is real and now sabbatical. I think that is what I am to let God rewrite in my story. My brain needs rewriting. Jesus rewrite me. I know what is right, but I must not really absorb it as truth when it comes to me. There is much to overwrite, to renew, to transform. I look forward to it.