#31 45 Days In
There is this realization that I get when I am close to going home and getting back to work that robs me of relaxation. I have successfully put it off and continue to do so. Honestly, every time we have left a place for another place I have felt like I was done there. Tomorrow will be our last day on Molokai. It has been so good. I have this satisfaction about my time here. I had the same in Jamaica and in the desert. I am satisfied. Grateful. Blessed. There is no doubt I want to come back here. This would be a fantastic writing retreat place. I think I could get so much done.
I still am fighting not getting “enough done”, while on sabbatical. Not enough reading. I have thoroughly enjoyed my time though. Just staring at the ocean and thinking about nothing or something. Lora and I have talked about so many things. Just when I think we are talked out, another subject comes up, or the same subject with more depth. Some conversations have been uncomfortable but all of them have been enriching. I love that woman. Because we have talked about difficult issues, I have had ample opportunity to think about the things I don’t like. Although there are not many, some have been difficult for me on a personal level. It seems to touch a sensitivity in me which makes it hard. Still, I have learned that I must focus on the greatness in her. There is so much. The giant greatness verses the minuscule idiosyncratic things. Greatness wins. However it is my pleasure to focus on the greatness. That is why I love her so much. The trap of our enemy is to focus on the few things you don’t like or that bug you or that speak into your life in an unhealthy manner. As for me, well, she is a saint. I am not sure how she has loved me so well for almost 34 years. I must be really funny or something.
As I continue to review and foundate my new thinking, I have gone through my journal and spent time analyzing my thinking and I have found the next thought structure I will change. “I am responsible”. It is a reoccurring theme in my life. I feel responsible for things and people that I am not responsible for. I am not sure why I think that way, but the why is less important than the how I came to think that way. I don’t have to find the “cause”, I have to find the foundational belief that is in my brain (a physical structure), and replace it with the understanding that I am only responsible for what God makes me responsible for. More freedom!! The weight of responsibility that I have wrongly carried from everything from other people’s part in ministry to growing the church, from convincing everyone of the truth to trying to control others has been immense. I have grown tremendously in this area but still I think this thinking persists and needs to be replaced. Influencing and staying in your lane can happen, but it usually doesn’t end well when your personhood is involved in the outcome.