#23 Things Resurface & That's OK
It took some calculating to understand that it is day 26. Today I woke up with the feeling that sabbatical was almost over. What in the world? In what world have I had a 3 week vacation coming up and thought it wasn’t a huge break to enjoy life. I think it is still my fear that I won’t accomplish enough. I still have a ways to go. It is comforting to know why I am thinking what I am thinking. Because I can correct it and override my feelings. That feels good. That is good. I think that is one of the best things so far. I actually pride myself (not with arrogant pride, but with the knowledge of its truth), in thinking about why I am thinking or behaving a certain way. Understanding the “why” is pivotal for me to have the hope to change. More than that, once I know the foundational thought, that undermining thought structure, I can attack it with the truth and especially the Word. That is freedom! That is reliving. What a relief that we can become unstuck whenever we want. I feel better already!
I keep having opportunity to connect dots. I was playing Pickle Ball for the first time and my team won 4 or so games in a row. Then we lost. A slight twinge of frustration came on me. I will always be competitive. It is my nature and it is good. However to not be able to lose has been something that has haunted me although as I have matured I am able to handle the emotions and discipline my behavior. Sometimes I don’t even care. Last night I did. When I was thinking about it, it all tied back to, I am not enough. Interesting. I had another feeling surface that past few days that is so familiar. It too is tied to that thought. Since that thought is disappearing and correct thinking is in its place, its hold is weak. The though that while I was a sinner, that could do nothing for God, Christ died for me because He loved me, reveals that I am enough to God to care, love and sacrifice. That thought is taking over.
I have thought about being so raw. Did I just write this? Maybe I did. Yet, it persists. To reveal this thinking isn’t easy. To connect other thinking like being responsible for everything to be “right” (whatever that means) is also difficult. Writing about it is cathartic to me. I process well with writing. Sharing..., well, sometimes I think who will read this? Who cares? Then I get a FB message from a friend who tells me that it has helped him. Alright. It is worth it. If one person is helped amidst a possible group who thinks less of me, I can live with that. Why would people think less? That is our messed up culture. We miss the message of healing and the triumph of change because we are stuck on the admission of guilt. Jesus help us.
So, Pickle Ball is really fun and easy to learn. It is something that I will play when I get home. It is much easier than tennis and very active. It was really fun playing with the kids. It reminded me of years past. Vacations are good times with good memories. Connecting events. We played at 9pm because the weather was nice. About 90. Beautiful. Sascha and the kids came out yesterday. It was so good to see them. I love those little people. Sascha is look really pregnant. She is such a trooper. She moves with ease and complains about nothing. She is a bright spot and I love her so much. It has been so good to see the grandkids every day. I feel such connection to them. My name is said at least 100 times per day. Papa!! It is really fun.